This one is for you uncle "D"

Yes this post is for you.So you don't have to look at the October one any more. LOL! Hmmm what to say though.


I will try to keep my depressive nature to a minimum.But I will have to share a little in order to get to the "light at the end of the tunnel"

I think I have mentioned it in a previous post somewhere, but I do and have suffered from clinical depression over most of my teen/adult life.Some years are better than others and there have been some years when I have genuinely been happy.But right now I am in a season of shall we say "grey". Where everything is always tainted with a shadow.Instead of looking through rose colored glasses.I see everything in shades of grey.

* just a note*- yes, I have sought medical help.As of yet we have not found a long lasting solution that does not cause it to get worse.

I would say this season for me has lasted about 5 years so far.Just when I seem to get my feet back under me something pulls the rug out from underneath. It started with Grandma's death, it continued with "G"'s birth.We had a rough first few months.Then came my mom's deteriorating health and ultimately her death, followed very closely by the birth of "E". Monkey and pumpkin have had minor medical problems to deal with.Nothing serious but enough to compound things.Then you can throw in a few other minor things such as DH parents moving away and their decision to no longer participate in Christmas.It has left my grasping for anything I can hold on to.

It is hard for me because I am very relational.Family means everything to me.So to have one set of grandparents who are very distant (physically and emotionally),a strained relationship with dad (we are working on it) and almost no connection to any extended family, it has left me feeling lost and alone.Even though I am surrounded by people who love and care about me.

Most people take all of this in stride.Shake it off and start again But I don't,I can't and I feel guilty for the way I am because so many people are far worse off than I am.I get tired of being sad all the time its physically and emotionally draining. So much of my life is passing me by and I feel as though I am cheating the girls out of a happy memorable childhood.

This brings me to "the rest of the story". I have been reflecting a lot over the last few days.Trying to figure out how I can get control of this situation.I have come to the realization that what I am missing is HOPE.I am not talking about worldly hope like " I hope this will get better" or "I hope I will win the lottery" but the Hope that comes from knowing the LORD. Even though I am Christian and have been for many years, somewhere along this journey I have allowed myself to forget. I have allowed myself to say" I need to be in control"". I am the only one who can change this". Me,Me, Me. The only way I am going to fix this is to give control to the one who created me.To cling to the promises that he has made to me. That he will never leave me or forsake me, he will take care of all my NEEDS,and most important of all is that he loves me and I am his.


So my goal for the new year is to strengthen my relationship with God through thankfulness.Thanking him everyday for the blessings I do have and for the prayers he has answered. He may never take my depression away but my prayer is that he will give me what I need to withstand it when it comes. I am going to hold on to the hope that 2012 will be a better year.

Long time no see ( or blog)

Hello bloggy world! Yep a blogging failure again.What can I say?I won't bore you with a million excuses.Just know I am still hanging around!

As some of you are aware,I started my homeschool journey at the beginning of September.I am loving it! I'm not going to lie though, this is the biggest challenge I have ever willingly taken on, and some days it is hard.I have had days where I have raised my voice to reeeealllly loud decibels,I have begged,groveled and resorted to bribery on occasion and I'm only in my second month LOL!But the rewards have by far outnumbered the struggles that we have encountered.

It is amazing to see monkey "get it". We've had days where she just soared through her work and we've also had days when we had to stop what we were doing to go over and over something i knew she just didn't understand.Then one day the light went on and we were off to the races again.I can not even begin to explain the thrill it is!!

I have learned so much in the last six weeks not only about myself but also from the things I have been teaching.Who new learning could actually be fun??? I have an increased sense of self-esteem and worth.I have learned that giving up is not an option and when something doesn't work the first time take a step back and try it again.It is OK to stop and go over things and not just try to push through,days almost never go as planned,the smile they get on their face when you've praised them for a job well done is priceless,there will be tears (yours and theirs),its fun being out when all the other kids are in school,it feels good when someone tells you your kid is smart and so many more things! I am not sure where the journey will take me but I know I am on the right path :)

Enough with the scissors already!!

I apologize in advance for the sad and depressing nature of this post.I just needed a place for it to be so it was not in my head.

This is going to sound stupid right off the bat."Monkey",and her never ending quest to see what happens when she uses her scissors for something other than paper,decided to cut her dolls hair and I, in all my "parental glory", had a major melt down.
Why should I have a melt down over a doll's hair? you ask.Its a thing,its plastic with bits of nylon, it can be replaced easily right?Putting aside the fact that she knows very well that she is not to use her scissors for anything but paper,this doll was not just any doll.

This doll was one of the only things my mom was ever able to give her.Its the only connection she has left between her and her "mama".I was with my mom the day she picked it out.When I saw the price of it I told her it was too expensive but that didn't matter to her. She wanted to give her granddaughter her very first doll.

So when I saw jet black locks of hair everywhere I lost it. "Monkey" doesn't understand.She was only two when my mom died.But I saw it as a great loss.So many feelings and emotions flooded me at that single moment in time. Loss,anger,grief.Not because of a doll, but what it represented.A woman that I so desperately miss. Especially on days when I am at my wits end as a parent.I try to think of what she might have said.But that takes me in a different direction all together. I can't remember the sound of her voice anymore,I can't remember what she looked like before she got sick.I can't remember the jokes we told or the hugs we shared. I CAN'T REMEMBER!!! HOW COULD I FORGET HER???As the years go by the grief gets less and less but so do the memories of her and it breaks my heart.I miss her.It was not supposed to be this way.It wasn't!

Again I apologize for my drama.

Me and my Machine

Sewing machine that is.I sort of have a love/hate relationship with sewing.I love to hate it! Ok, i'm jus't kidding (sort of).

When I was in junior high and was taking Home Ec. ,sewing was part of it. No matter how hard I tried,I just couldn't get it.The instructions didn't make any sense what so ever,the machine was always jamming, I couldn't sew a button on to save my life and I spent more time ripping out my projects than actually sewing them. My mom even helped me finish one of my jumpsuits because I was going to throw the machine out the window. (shhhh don't tell anyone).In short I could hardly wait for the class to be finished.

I never really had much interest in it after that. Besides what are little sisters for. "H" is the sewer in our family.She could do it.But sort of out of necessity,I needed to learn again.At least so I could do some basic mending.DH is forever ripping his pants because of the way he has to bend and stretch doing his work.It gets a little expensive throwing away perfectly good clothes just because of a little tear or a missing button.*By the way, I still can't sew a button on to save my life!*

My mom and sister pooled their money and got me a sewing machine for Christmas a few years ago.I started out using it just for mending.Then I got brave and tried making a couple of curtains.That was pretty easy.Then I decided that I was going to branch out and really try to give sewing a second chance.There are so many fun fabrics out there and It helps to have a sister that works in the fabric store.Sewing is certainly not as economical as it once was.In fact in many cases it costs more than just going to the store and buying it.But it has its merits.You get one of a kind outfits and you have the satisfaction of knowing you made it.

I have mostly spent my time making things for the girls.The pieces are small and not as complicated.This is not to say I have had an easy time of it.The patterns still don't make sense sometimes,I still have to rip things out a lot and I take way longer than the "2 hours" they say it takes but the difference is in my perseverance,my willingness to keep going and not give up.Maybe one of these days I will branch out into something for myself but right now I'm just going to keep on trying.

new found love ???

I have a new love (or maybe just a rediscovered one).Homemade cooking.

Growing up, I loved having homemade meals and sharing them around the table with family.More often than not they were very simple meals.Nothing fancy. But I didn't care.We were together.Then we moved to the city and that all changed drastically.Slow, leisurely,Sunday dinners at Grandma's were a thing of the past.Everybody was going every which way and there just seemed to be no time to sit together.And meals became rushed.As with everything in the city, life moves fast and it wasn't long before we fell into the trap of eating out all the time.Something that was a rare treat when I was younger.Soon food just became unappealing all together.I got tired of trying to figure out what to eat all the time.At the same time I got sick of eating out too.

I have struggled for years with food and quite often have made more than my fair share of unhealthy choices just because food became boring.I got tired of cooking and I think I only had a list of a few items that I made regularly and we have had the same things over and over every week for the last several years. Its not that I can't cook.I just became really lazy about it.But something has rekindled a flame.I don't know if its because eating out is outrageously expensive or the price of groceries continues to sky rocket but I want to learn and to teach myself to make new things.Jams,jellies,breads,soup.I want to use my vegetable garden more efficiently!Learn to 'can' things.Share it with my kids so they can survive on their own with out eating macaroni and cheese every day of their grown up life.I guess I just long for the simplicity of life when good times were had making and eating meals together.

A couple of months ago I dragged myself (kicking and screaming all the way) into trying to meal plan.I hated the idea.There was no way I could come up with that many ideas for meals.Guess what? I did it! I started by writing down the meals that I normally made.Then I added in a few that I hadn't made in a really long time.Finally I added some new recipes that I wanted to try.Wouldn't you know it I have a list of approximately 35 different meals.So I could go an entire month never having the same thing twice.I have slowly been trying to figure out lunch meals now too.I hate lunch even more than supper.My kids don't eat much in the way of sandwiches (No pb and j in this house) and all of us have gotten tired of eating mac and cheese, even if it is homemade.Lunch has been a VERY slow process.I've gotten 2 weeks worth of meals.That is a start.The two biggest advantages I have found are that I don't have to think about what to make. When I am tired I just look at my little sheet and it tells me what to make.Second , it makes grocery shopping a whole lot easier.I write the menu out,write down the ingredients I need and wha-la! instant grocery list.There by making it less painful to go into the store and it saves me money because I'm not wasting food as much.And a side benefit is that we have hardly eaten out in the last three months!

I don't plan on totally going crazy.I'm still very much a meat and potatoe girl.So becoming vegetarian is not high on my list of priorities.I'm also not going totally off the wall into organic stuff either.Thats not to say I won't use it.Sure I will do it when I can.I just have no plans to go to the outer extremes of organic,green,whatever stuff.My only goal right now is to eat less prepackaged stuff ,eat out less and start to enjoy food again.

Spring

Is it spring yet? I don't know how much more of this wintery, blah I can handle.There is only so much hot chocolate one person can ingest before you get permanent chocolate and marshmallow stains above your lips.("Got milk?")

Its almost March though, so there is hope.I don't know if its a mental thing or not,but being that this is me we are talking about the answer is most likely yes.It doesn't matter how much snow and cold there is, the moment the calender changes from February to March, my spirits are instantly lifted.I have hope,I feel more cheerful,there is anticipation!
There will be an end to this"10 months" of winter.If only for a fleeting moment.There will be a chance to feel the warm sun on my face, watch the trees blossom and fill the air with their delightful smells,get dirt under my finger nails,enjoy the longer days.Oh bliss!

I tire of the long, cold,grey days.Even the ones that look deceptively lovely.Bright blue skies and sunshine.That is until you go outside and your nose hairs freeze together instantly and you are forced to make a hasty retreat back into your house.But like I said there is HOPE. Somewhere under the two foot pile of snow covering our front yard is a blade of green grass just waiting to come up.

Patience is all I need.

Leapin' Lizards

Yep, its official.My kids are weird.If I were to limit the toys in my house to two things, I bet you would be surprised to know what they were.Well maybe not one of them but the other is certainly not your typical "girly" play thing.

Let me start by letting you know "monkey" has been a challenge right from day 1 in regards to toys.She never liked them much,could have cared less about them really.It wasn't until she was almost 2 when she showed interest in doing puzzles.She put together her first puzzles in about two minutes flat.So I kept increasing the difficulty.I thought I found something to keep her interested.In fact she made it all the way to a 65 piece puzzle before she was 3.Then in typical "monkey" fashion, it was "Ok, been there, done that, what's next? " I have tried every imaginable toy I can think of.From your typical average kid toy, all the way to games,puzzles and educational ones too.Nothing.Except this one thing.No it is not a cardboard box.But it was just as cheap.It, or rather they, cost me $1.50 at Michael's.

A package of brightly colored, rubber, lizards.Yes folks you read it correctly.Rubber lizards!! I have absolutely no clue as to why she is fascinated with these things.But she takes them everywhere.Forget playing with dolls.These lizards are the babies and the ones on all the adventures.Being orphaned because the mom and dad lizard died. (typically from drowning in the bathtub or falling off of some extremely high place aka the book shelf).Which brings me to the second thing. A doll house. Not too out of the ordinary except for the fact that no people reside in it.Only the little lizards dwell here, while the people are left to fend for themselves.These little lizards bathe in the bath tub,eat at the table,drive the cars,sleep in the beds.Nope no people here.

This past Christmas she got lots of things.Nice things.Even a REAL laptop of her very own!But that came in second best to the present she got from auntie "S". You guessed it rubber lizards!! 3 of them to be exact.These ones are big and ugly as far as I'm concerned.But hey, what do I know?She loves them.They don't creep me out or anything.I mean hey I worked in a pet store and held my fair share of them.But it is a little unnerving when you step backwards on to one of them or step on them in the middle of the night.They squish between your toes because they are a rubber outside with silicon beads inside.Yuck!

These, like their miniature counter parts, take center stage at play time.They do manage to work their way into the doll house most times.However meal times are usually spent at OUR table.I am sure you can imagine how well that goes.You know,hanging out in the drink glasses,eating off our plates,throwing food on the floor.They are a pretty rowdy bunch, let me tell you!

One day I will look back at this and laugh.But for now, I think my kids are just plain weird!

Pink

I love pink.No,I am not referring to the music artist.I most definitely mean the color.

This isn't meant to be earth shattering news.Rather just something to add cheer to this otherwise grey,dismal,dare I say depressing month of January.

Pink has always been my favourite color for as long as I can remember.I enjoy other colors as well,but pink has always been the one that brought a smile to my face.However I must clarify that not any shade of pink will do.I love the shell pinks and those in the palest shade.I find the dark shades to be harsh and I don't find them nearly as enjoyable.

I have noticed there seems to be an outright rebellion towards pink(except when it relates to baby girls)because to our modern feminists it is a color of weakness.
All the reasons that women don't like it, are the very reasons I love it.It is soft and feminine and pretty.It makes me feel that way.It makes me think of spring and newness.I love its gentility. It makes me think of simpler times when life wasn't as crazy and stressful as it is now.

Sometimes I feel like I belong to a small minority.Most people I know favour the color blue. Blue makes me sad and to me it feels cold.Not calming like they claim. Unless it is a pastel shade or something like robin egg blue (again "spring-y")
If you come into my home you won't find pink dripping from every possible place.But it is here.Soft and understated.I guess you could say.Just like me.