My name is....

I'm not sure if its just the day (grey and foggy) or what but I have been in one of my reflective moods again. The last few weeks I have been struggling with being envious and discontent.Oh I know everyone struggles with it from time to time but this time it has been a particularly tough journey.Combining envy with depression does not make a good combination.

So first off all I would like to stand up and say, "Hi my name is Kerry and I am a shopoholic". Yes it is true.While I never buy stuff on credit or spend more money than what we have.I buy stuff not out of necessity but because I can.It has become a comfort/boredom thing.My children's drawers are so full of clothes that I can barely close them,not to mention I have to wash them all!Their shelves are lined with toys they barely even glance at and again who ends up picking them up?But Its like I feel this sense of obligation to them.But the only thing I am creating will be little monsters that have the "gimmes".I am doing them a disservice instead of creating a spirit of thankfulness for the things they have.

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money and quite frankly money was an extremely difficult issue in our household.So any money I did get, which was very rarely, I saved it and made very thoughtful considerations about what I would use it for.So what happened?The pendulum swung the other way.I started working at 16 and I was still cautious with it but was a little more free with how I spent it.Then once I went through school and I started working it almost became an entitlement."I spent my entire childhood with hardly any money, now I am going to spend it on me!" and I did.I don't buy myself much any more but I do spend a lot on the girls and eating out and various other useless things.Now the only thing I have to show for it is the unhappiness that "stuff" creates.

I have a small house so I am either wishing I had a bigger house or I am so overwhelmed by "stuff".Always tripping over it,washing it,moving it from one place to another,buying storage things to stream line it.Sometimes I just want to hide in the corner. I often think about "the olden days" when they had one place setting per person two outfits each,one for work and one for Sunday and maybe one or two small toys for each child. Now society says you need more!If a little makes you happy a lot will make you happier!But it does not.Yet I can not seem to break free of this cycle.I have bought society's lie hook, line and sinker.

We have never had serious money problems.but at the end of the day where has all the money gone?We are existing.Walking a fine line between being ok and/or with one big push we could be at the bottom.I don't want to live like that.Under the thumb of "stuff".Its too hard and too stressful. I have so much,yet I struggle to find value in it.I take it for granted and one day it will be gone.Either through circumstance or death.I can't take it with me.Why do I need it?, why do I want it?

Sorry to be depressing.I'm just trying to put words to my thoughts.Not expecting an answer.Just trying to come to grips with things.One day I hope that I will learn the lesson of contentment but right now I struggle.