Yes this post is for you.So you don't have to look at the October one any more. LOL! Hmmm what to say though.
I will try to keep my depressive nature to a minimum.But I will have to share a little in order to get to the "light at the end of the tunnel"
I think I have mentioned it in a previous post somewhere, but I do and have suffered from clinical depression over most of my teen/adult life.Some years are better than others and there have been some years when I have genuinely been happy.But right now I am in a season of shall we say "grey". Where everything is always tainted with a shadow.Instead of looking through rose colored glasses.I see everything in shades of grey.
* just a note*- yes, I have sought medical help.As of yet we have not found a long lasting solution that does not cause it to get worse.
I would say this season for me has lasted about 5 years so far.Just when I seem to get my feet back under me something pulls the rug out from underneath. It started with Grandma's death, it continued with "G"'s birth.We had a rough first few months.Then came my mom's deteriorating health and ultimately her death, followed very closely by the birth of "E". Monkey and pumpkin have had minor medical problems to deal with.Nothing serious but enough to compound things.Then you can throw in a few other minor things such as DH parents moving away and their decision to no longer participate in Christmas.It has left my grasping for anything I can hold on to.
It is hard for me because I am very relational.Family means everything to me.So to have one set of grandparents who are very distant (physically and emotionally),a strained relationship with dad (we are working on it) and almost no connection to any extended family, it has left me feeling lost and alone.Even though I am surrounded by people who love and care about me.
Most people take all of this in stride.Shake it off and start again But I don't,I can't and I feel guilty for the way I am because so many people are far worse off than I am.I get tired of being sad all the time its physically and emotionally draining. So much of my life is passing me by and I feel as though I am cheating the girls out of a happy memorable childhood.
This brings me to "the rest of the story". I have been reflecting a lot over the last few days.Trying to figure out how I can get control of this situation.I have come to the realization that what I am missing is HOPE.I am not talking about worldly hope like " I hope this will get better" or "I hope I will win the lottery" but the Hope that comes from knowing the LORD. Even though I am Christian and have been for many years, somewhere along this journey I have allowed myself to forget. I have allowed myself to say" I need to be in control"". I am the only one who can change this". Me,Me, Me. The only way I am going to fix this is to give control to the one who created me.To cling to the promises that he has made to me. That he will never leave me or forsake me, he will take care of all my NEEDS,and most important of all is that he loves me and I am his.
So my goal for the new year is to strengthen my relationship with God through thankfulness.Thanking him everyday for the blessings I do have and for the prayers he has answered. He may never take my depression away but my prayer is that he will give me what I need to withstand it when it comes. I am going to hold on to the hope that 2012 will be a better year.
