I don't know what it is about today but I just seem to be in a reflective mood.To be honest I am not sure I am happy with the direction things are going but quite often I feel helpless to change paths.May be its just that I am feeling sorry for myself and trying to fit myself into some sort of mold that doesn't really exist and setting myself up for failure.
I find myself reading other peoples blogs and am inspired by the families or the people who write them but then quite often I start wondering what is wrong with me,why can't I be like so and so....?Everybody always seem to be going here and there on fun outings.They always seem to be sewing,baking,doing amazing crafts with the kids.I have only been doing "school" with my little monkey for three weeks and already I don't feel like I'm doing enough or the right things *sigh*.Some times I go on my own little adventures just so I have something to post or prove to myself that we do have fun once and awhile.
I read about their children who are smart and amazing creatures and they could give you a list a mile long about who their children are.Their likes,their dislikes,what they love,what makes them sad,their favorite toys/books ect.Again I feel like a failure.I have been a SAHM for nearly four years watching my kids grow and I don't know that I could give you that intimate of a picture of my sweet little girls.Or may be I haven't REALLY stopped to think about it that long and hard.Have I just been so busy thinking about the housework,the bills that need to be paid,the groceries that need to be bought and the laundry that needs to be done that I have completely forgot to "notice"them?Who are these little people?I thought I knew.
Why am I always beating myself up and trying to be perfect.It doesn't exist!I know this, yet I still strive to achieve some imaginary goal and quite frankly I am often disappointed.I keep thinking I can be more than I really am.I am ME.
There I think I'm done quietly ranting.Thanks for your listening ear(or in this case your eyes).Maybe someday I will be able to write the mile long list too.
2 comments:
*hug* we are often unable to see ourselves clearly.
I see a much more capable woman than you do, when I look at you.
Don't be fooled by the 'perfect' blogs! ha. I think it's fun and often inspiring that we all enjoy those 'perfect' moments, but we just don't often see all the 'imperfection' behind it.
You know your kids better than anyone (and probably always will) even if you haven't made lists and documentaries about it. You love them the best!!!
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