A month of thanks

About a month ago, when I was really struggling with 'Hope', I stumbled upon this blog.In fact it was the very reason I started a thankful journal. I printed off the free calender and began keeping track of one thing for each day of the month that I was thankful for.It hasn't stopped me from having hard days, but it has helped me to put things in perspective.As the list grows longer I can go over and over it because it is in print, not just in a storage spot in my head that is easily forgotten.Maybe one day I will try the 1000 gifts.But for right now I am content to do one at a time.

I just wanted to share my list for this month.They are nothing earth shattering. Just simple every day things.

1. Family (church,immediate,extended)
2. Our ability to learn
   
3. Beauty in photography (creativity)
4. GOD'S provision for our needs
5. For my husband's willingness to catch mice for me (he is the king)
6. "Pumpkin's" servant heart
7. My husband's patience
8. Singing kids
9. Inside jokes-laughter
10. Freshly fallen snow
11. Clean water
12. Good neighbours
13. The sweetness of my children when they are sleeping
14. My favorite chair by the window
15. Beautiful weddings
16. 3 working vehicles
17. A warm house
18. Healthy, growing children
19. Brushing "Pumpkin's" hair
20. The smell of popcorn
21. Saving on a weeks worth of gas
22. A timely sermon. (the kind you think was written just for you)
23. Medicine/health care
24. Chocolate chip cookies
25. My bed
26. Grocery stores stocked with food
27. The mystery of how our body functions together as a whole
28. "Pumpkin's" laugh
29. Ice cold Coca-Cola
30. When the days start getting longer
31. Starbuck's dark hot chocolate

As I said, not an earth shattering list.But you really begin to notice how really blessed we are. Now to start on February!

This is NOT Disneyland!

Okay "Mickey" this is not Disneyland! So take your friends and family and move out!

I hate winter time for more than one reason but particularly because our little house becomes the "happiest place on earth" for little rodents.Its the draw back of having a dirt basement.We have done our best to find their entry points and seal them off, at least to confine them to the basement, but they are tricky!
Their favorite haven is in my stove drawer.They store food, make their own personal deposits and climb all over my baking sheets.I haven't got anywhere else to store them so I am forced to wash them every time I need to use them. It is amazing how something so small can create such work!

Not only are they dirty and disgusting,I am limited as to the means of getting rid of them.I don't want traps.First of all because of several little fingers,not to mention my dog is not exactly high on the intelligence list,second because I don't even remotely want to hear the dreadful snapping noise they make! Poison has to be strategically placed so as not to harm said little fingers and not so bright dogs.My only other option is sticky traps.Which has its pros and cons. The pros being I don't have to worry about the safety of the kids/dog,second I don't have to listen to the snapping noise and they are pretty easy to set up.The cons are that when you catch one they are still alive and they stare at you!Trying to make you feel guilty, or they manage to get themselves off the trap by chewing off limbs and leaving them behind.On occasion they have been known to fight so wildly that they bounce the trap right out into the middle of the floor so you darn near step on them in the middle of the night on your trip to the bathroom! Are you grossed out yet??? Another con is that "not so bright" dog has been known to sit on them occasionally which is super fun!

Why the rant about mice you ask? Well lets just say DH is the king of mice killing he is good at it and is not at all bothered by ridding our house of these little critters.Me, not so much. If I can, I time it by placing the traps out at night before bed so that if an unsuspecting mouse finds his way onto a trap DH will be the first to find it and he can get rid of it so I don't have to see it. A couple of weeks ago I even hid myself in the bathroom until DH removed a dead one from under the stove! Its a great source of amusement for him.
Yesterday was the ultimate in freak-out-ness. I was in the kitchen when I was startled by a mouse that was trying to get through a hole in the wall behind our base cabinets.He got his head stuck because it wasn't quite big enough and he had shimmied himself halfway up the wall to the counter top with his head still stuck.By now I am totally going to lose it but I don't do the typical girly scream so as not to alert the girls to the problem.I thought maybe I could stick him to the trap and get rid of him with out too much problem.Ummm no. The only thing I managed to do was pull the paint off the wall and break his little neck so that he dangled from the wall. (How about now, are you super grossed out??) Then I was forced to try and pull him out (using rubber gloves) with out ripping his tail (or head) off. I did manage to get him out but let me tell you, you have never seen anyone run so fast with a plastic bag being held at arms length in -30 weather as me!!!!
Having a cat is not an option (DH is allergic). Not only that, they like to leave "presents" for their owners which is far more disgusting than the traps! We do not have the option of moving, so I guess I will have to continue to put up with our little guests.But I sure wish they would clean up after themselves!!

This one is for you uncle "D"

Yes this post is for you.So you don't have to look at the October one any more. LOL! Hmmm what to say though.


I will try to keep my depressive nature to a minimum.But I will have to share a little in order to get to the "light at the end of the tunnel"

I think I have mentioned it in a previous post somewhere, but I do and have suffered from clinical depression over most of my teen/adult life.Some years are better than others and there have been some years when I have genuinely been happy.But right now I am in a season of shall we say "grey". Where everything is always tainted with a shadow.Instead of looking through rose colored glasses.I see everything in shades of grey.

* just a note*- yes, I have sought medical help.As of yet we have not found a long lasting solution that does not cause it to get worse.

I would say this season for me has lasted about 5 years so far.Just when I seem to get my feet back under me something pulls the rug out from underneath. It started with Grandma's death, it continued with "G"'s birth.We had a rough first few months.Then came my mom's deteriorating health and ultimately her death, followed very closely by the birth of "E". Monkey and pumpkin have had minor medical problems to deal with.Nothing serious but enough to compound things.Then you can throw in a few other minor things such as DH parents moving away and their decision to no longer participate in Christmas.It has left my grasping for anything I can hold on to.

It is hard for me because I am very relational.Family means everything to me.So to have one set of grandparents who are very distant (physically and emotionally),a strained relationship with dad (we are working on it) and almost no connection to any extended family, it has left me feeling lost and alone.Even though I am surrounded by people who love and care about me.

Most people take all of this in stride.Shake it off and start again But I don't,I can't and I feel guilty for the way I am because so many people are far worse off than I am.I get tired of being sad all the time its physically and emotionally draining. So much of my life is passing me by and I feel as though I am cheating the girls out of a happy memorable childhood.

This brings me to "the rest of the story". I have been reflecting a lot over the last few days.Trying to figure out how I can get control of this situation.I have come to the realization that what I am missing is HOPE.I am not talking about worldly hope like " I hope this will get better" or "I hope I will win the lottery" but the Hope that comes from knowing the LORD. Even though I am Christian and have been for many years, somewhere along this journey I have allowed myself to forget. I have allowed myself to say" I need to be in control"". I am the only one who can change this". Me,Me, Me. The only way I am going to fix this is to give control to the one who created me.To cling to the promises that he has made to me. That he will never leave me or forsake me, he will take care of all my NEEDS,and most important of all is that he loves me and I am his.


So my goal for the new year is to strengthen my relationship with God through thankfulness.Thanking him everyday for the blessings I do have and for the prayers he has answered. He may never take my depression away but my prayer is that he will give me what I need to withstand it when it comes. I am going to hold on to the hope that 2012 will be a better year.

Long time no see ( or blog)

Hello bloggy world! Yep a blogging failure again.What can I say?I won't bore you with a million excuses.Just know I am still hanging around!

As some of you are aware,I started my homeschool journey at the beginning of September.I am loving it! I'm not going to lie though, this is the biggest challenge I have ever willingly taken on, and some days it is hard.I have had days where I have raised my voice to reeeealllly loud decibels,I have begged,groveled and resorted to bribery on occasion and I'm only in my second month LOL!But the rewards have by far outnumbered the struggles that we have encountered.

It is amazing to see monkey "get it". We've had days where she just soared through her work and we've also had days when we had to stop what we were doing to go over and over something i knew she just didn't understand.Then one day the light went on and we were off to the races again.I can not even begin to explain the thrill it is!!

I have learned so much in the last six weeks not only about myself but also from the things I have been teaching.Who new learning could actually be fun??? I have an increased sense of self-esteem and worth.I have learned that giving up is not an option and when something doesn't work the first time take a step back and try it again.It is OK to stop and go over things and not just try to push through,days almost never go as planned,the smile they get on their face when you've praised them for a job well done is priceless,there will be tears (yours and theirs),its fun being out when all the other kids are in school,it feels good when someone tells you your kid is smart and so many more things! I am not sure where the journey will take me but I know I am on the right path :)

Enough with the scissors already!!

I apologize in advance for the sad and depressing nature of this post.I just needed a place for it to be so it was not in my head.

This is going to sound stupid right off the bat."Monkey",and her never ending quest to see what happens when she uses her scissors for something other than paper,decided to cut her dolls hair and I, in all my "parental glory", had a major melt down.
Why should I have a melt down over a doll's hair? you ask.Its a thing,its plastic with bits of nylon, it can be replaced easily right?Putting aside the fact that she knows very well that she is not to use her scissors for anything but paper,this doll was not just any doll.

This doll was one of the only things my mom was ever able to give her.Its the only connection she has left between her and her "mama".I was with my mom the day she picked it out.When I saw the price of it I told her it was too expensive but that didn't matter to her. She wanted to give her granddaughter her very first doll.

So when I saw jet black locks of hair everywhere I lost it. "Monkey" doesn't understand.She was only two when my mom died.But I saw it as a great loss.So many feelings and emotions flooded me at that single moment in time. Loss,anger,grief.Not because of a doll, but what it represented.A woman that I so desperately miss. Especially on days when I am at my wits end as a parent.I try to think of what she might have said.But that takes me in a different direction all together. I can't remember the sound of her voice anymore,I can't remember what she looked like before she got sick.I can't remember the jokes we told or the hugs we shared. I CAN'T REMEMBER!!! HOW COULD I FORGET HER???As the years go by the grief gets less and less but so do the memories of her and it breaks my heart.I miss her.It was not supposed to be this way.It wasn't!

Again I apologize for my drama.